I have many students over the years. Most naturally come to a point where they move on and it is fine. No hard feelings, for endings are beginnings too. Death is part of the process.
Somewhere along the line in the muddle of pain and confusing when I thought my marriage was ending someone reached out to me. At the time I thought it was a boon, but like all abusers she was quick to exploit this emotional mess to her advantage. She cockooed my friends, ate up my time and attention and I got sucked into her dramas and man-made miseries.
At first she didn't want anything and then she wanted an initiation. I felt obligated, honoured even. Yet she was never willing to do the work and it was I who had to travel and to cover the costs.
Warning bells were ringing but I was in this dark cloud of gloom. I wanted to make her happy. (Only now do I see parallels with my relationship with my "mother".)
I worked really hard (hello, not my initiation) but she just didn't get it. What ever she saw, felt or was drawn to was dark, shadows and misery. There was no balance at all. I called all the light Goddess I could to aid her. Strange I remember this smell, I always thought it was the awful cigarettes she smoked but under that was something else, something like an abscess. Something rotten.
She found a new relationship but even this was high drama and drinking blood. There was no room for air. No room to breathe.
It makes me sad when I think of it now. Genuinely sad. Darkness is not night. Night is stary and full cool dreams and misty forests. That was not her darkness. She was so full of rage.
She stopped calling me for 2 hours every day (I know right) and was wrapped in this married man. It was not my place to judge.
In the end I did the initiation, and I called on so much light and beauty. There were so many spirits stood there. So many fae.
It went off without a hitch.
Then nothing.
I mean her boyfriend drove me home the next day, but she barely said word.
Days past.
Then weeks.
Then I get weird emails.
Emails that tell me in no uncertain terms that "I know what I am doing."
It was like waking up from a dream. The alarm bells were still ringing and now I was awake to them.
Once someone gets to that point you have lost them.
It was one of those moments where you know it doesn't matter what you say because this person will twist it to fight with you because that is what they are looking for (oh, just my "mother"? as you were).
Then the magickal attacks started.
What is strange to me is this person is still angry with me.
I never raised a hand.
I never said a bad word.
Never did anything.
I just let her go into the smoke and black fog or her own boiling pit. I cried. I wallowed about it for a bit. I missed her.
It got so bad (in terms of attacks) that teachers, friends and the like from all over the world stepped in. I just couldn't believe someone I been nothing but good to would do this. I still can't.
I let her go.
I began to heal, found my own power and light again. Worked on my books and on teaching but every 6 months or so I get weird messages, angry emails, icky stuff on my feed.
I got angry. I got depressed. I got attacked, again and agian and again.
Then I did some work with B and had this weird ephany. I spent months healing and cleaning and slowly I healed some of the damage.
Away my wards a jangled today and it turns out she (and her new gang) has been up to the usual tricks.
I just don't think after all these years I can still be to blame for all the things she has wrought on herself (she never actually got to the witch learning part and is making it up as she goes along). For life is three-fold, a magickal life especially so. Still she is not my problem any more I suppose. I do worry about the poison she brings into the lives of others to feed her own addiction to misery and pain.Yet they are making their own choices.
If you do not find the light within yourself, your will never find it without.
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